I’m running behind, feeling stressed, and uninspired. That means that this morning, more than ever, I needed to spend time sitting in front of my altar listening for the Holy. While this practice of mine draws some raised eyebrows from some of my friends outside the church or from less contemplative circles, I find it essential on days like today– overcast, rainy days, when World Communion Sunday looms large and refuses to have anything to do with Sunday’s lectionary texts.

If I had hoped that spending time in prayer would help with inspiration for Sunday’s sermon, I was mistaken. Anyway.

I had just gotten around to offering up some of the places I have been broken and have failed, in what I have done and what I have left undone. I had turned on my “relaxing music” mix on shuffle on my iPhone (because there’s no such thing as silent meditation in my world– my multitasking brain starts thinking about the ticking of the clock in an almost Edgar Allen Poe sort of way), and just as I was at my most fervent prayer for the strength to change and the hope that I might somehow be forgiven, I heard the first bars of Alanis Morisette’s “Still,” from the movie Dogma, in which she portrays God.

I am the harm which you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I’m the nuclear bombs if they’re to hit
I’m your immaturity and your indigence
I am your misfits and your praised
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rape
I am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art, I am your bytes
I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
I love you still

When was the last time you felt forgiven by the Divine or by a person you had wronged?

2 thoughts on “Assurance”

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