But Have Not Love

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

‘Tis the season to celebrate love, it seems. Last week was Valentine’s Day, and today’s RethinkChurch Lenten Photo-a-Day reflection word is love.

Love is central to my theological and spiritual understanding of the world. I’m not talking about hearts and cupids, schmoopy puppy love here. I’m talking soul-shaking, boundary-shattering, grace-soaked, all-infusing love that is synonymous with the name of the Holy. That stuff. The reason for living. Love between God and creature, between an individual and the world, between two people: lovers, parents, children, siblings, friends, lived out in a myriad of ways as unique as snowflakes. Love. Love Divine. Love that makes us human and whole.

But when we talk about love, when we use and over-use the word, when we say it so often it starts to sound small and fathomable and domestic– like a word rather than like The Word– I’ve found a painful dissonance. Lately, I’ve felt excluded from conversations about love. Felt excluded when it comes to the most inclusive thing in the world. Felt silenced when it comes to the most powerful force I know.

And I don’t think I’m alone in feeling excluded in conversations about love, nor is divorce the only instance where reflecting on love can be painful. What does it mean to speak of love if love has been removed, has withered or faded, was never there? How does a child learn love if one’s parents were not loving? How does a friend trust in love if one’s trust has been violated? How does someone risk loving if love has been a place of pain and loss? How does one claim and celebrate love if that love is silenced or shamed?

What if we have not love?

Our love is our human way of living in love with God, the world, and one another. As such, it is an imperfect reflection of Love Itself. I can accept that there are times and places where we glimpse the Holy, and there are times and places where the word love comes with brokenness and pain and fragile, fearful hope for healing. For people walking that latter road, just starting the conversation– or knowing it’s not a conversation in which they want to participate at this time– can be painful enough.

So today, here’s to love that is wrapped in pain. Here’s to love that has been silenced and closeted. Here’s to love that stretches tender shoots out of the bitter destruction of broken hearts and lives and relationships. Here’s to love that is re-framed following abuse and neglect and betrayal. Here’s to love that is flawed and incomplete and imperfect. Here’s to love we aren’t ready to talk about. Here’s to love that’s too complex to grasp or name. Here’s to love that’s so big we can’t get our hearts, let alone our words, around it. Here’s to love that is a tiny portion of God’s own self.

Even if it hurts, even if we’re afraid, even if we have to whisper when we’d rather shout– or rather be safe and silent: Here’s to Love.

Diary of a Delegate: Dude, where’s my church?

Twitter topic cloud from @andrewconard

Sisters and brothers, I don’t even know what day it is.

I think about 3 days of legislation have passed since last I posted. They weren’t good days for me and the people I care about. It seems that progressives make up about 40% of the voting body on just about anything. Other people have been reporting votes and issues. I’ve titled this a diary because it’s really about the experience.

The experience has sucked.

I’ve been exhausted, discouraged, and wrung out dry. We’ve lost votes on everything so far– actually not true.

Let me share my one victory: my subcommittee’s paragraph on abortion, which is an improvement over the current Book of Discipline, and which we hashed out in a respectful, holy way, passed the full body without incident. As the recording secretary for that subcommittee, I have officially written a section of the Book of Discipline.

The rest is a mess. A day ago, clergy lost guaranteed appointment, a policy that has provided for and protected the fair appointment of clergy without respect to gender or ethnicity or theological stance, but has also, it can be argued, prevented cabinets from removing ineffective clergy. The result was not actually the tough part– what was worse was that there was a glitch and then an attempt to correct the glitch. The full body would have to vote to even allow discussion on this very important matter for clergy and churches. They did not. So lots of people lost their job security if not yet their jobs, and their pastor’s confidence in her or his prophetic voice if not their pastor, without even a blink.

Today it’s been conversations about restructuring the church– I’m not even sure what we passed on to the finance committee, but I’m pretty sure it’s out of order, and I said so. That’s right. I came here to advocate for justice and instead I stood and the mic and read from the rule book. Yikes.

Even advocating for justice has been hard. We are not all of one mind as to what that justice might look like and how it is best accomplished (surprising, right?), and so those of us “on the same team” are sometimes disagreeing with one another. It gets messy. That’s relationship. Today I was speaking passionately with 3 other people, and realized that I was disagreeing with Mark Miller. The Mark Miller. I said that, in fact. “I’m yelling at Mark Freaking Miller!”

We’re all just in shock. What is clear is that this is not the UMC we all thought we knew. Yesterday, we debated the preamble to our social principles, a seemingly benign paragraph of the Discipline that some felt needed a greater expression of grace. There was a proposal that we add “We affirm that nothing can separate us from the love of God,” a direct quote from Romans 8. We debated whether or not we would affirm this statement of prevenient grace, *the* essential Wesleyan/Methodist tenant. 53% of delegates believed in God’s unconditional love. Only 53%.

This is not my church.

My fellow progressives and my delegation from New England (powerhouse people!) are all walking around like zombies, shocky and stunned and confused. What happened to the denomination that taught hope? love? grace? compassion? Gone. Copoted. Outvoted.

We’ve got a hail mary pass tomorrow, but mostly it will probably be another day of voting on things that matter deeply– how much we are willing to wound our GLBTQ members of the body. I expect the votes will go 60/40. I expect it will hurt like hell.

There aren’t words for the feeling tonight. It’s prayerful, but there aren’t words. Sighs too deep for words. I ache.

Diary of a Delegate: TwitterSermon

I had a very strange experience last night. I preached a sermon on Twitter. It had been a very hard day (more on that another time) and I had left the voting area (called the bar– not a social establishment for beverage!), and sat for a time with some friends, members of the GLBTQ and ally community. The music began, and a joyful liturgical dance that moved me deeply, but I felt such a disconnect because my friends and loved ones were cut off from the worship, both by the voting area, and by some of the votes we had taken.

Members of the Common Witness Coalition, as I was writing, the “church”– the broken, internally and externally wounded, frightened church– I was thinking of was not the UMC. It was the Coalition. My word is for us in our pain.

I wavered on the edge, and I began to write:

Having a hard time crossing back into the (voting) bar. #NoBarriersInWorship #gc2012 #GC12love

Okay that prayer changed my mind. Maybe I can worship now. #gc2012 #GC12love #NoBarriersInWorship

I’m having a really tough time with this service. It’s profoundly powerful #NoBarriersInWorship #gc2012 #GC12love

Precisely because of its power I feel the disconnect. #NoBarriersInWorship #gc2012 #GC12love

(we sang the wonderful song “You Are Mine,” which includes the lyric “I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk and live.” and the refrain “I love you and you are mine.”)

How many people want to hear us say “I love you and you are mine”? So much pain to embrace. #NoBarriersInWorship #gc2012 #GC12love

That’s right folks. I’m preaching on twitter. Deal with it. #NoBarriersInWorship #gc2012 #GC12love

The music this evening has reminded us of our boundless love of God & God’s boundless love of us. #gc2012 #GC12love #twittersermon

Would that our love of one another were as boundless, moving us to shout, clap, leap, or sigh and weep. #gc2012 #GC12love #twittersermon

I didn’t preach this week. I’ve got a sermon inside aching to be born, and I’m 1500 miles from my pulpit. #gc2012 #twittersermon #GC12love

(we heard the story of Jesus asleep in the boat as the disciples cried out in fear at the wind and waves, until Jesus awoke– Lord, save us! We are perishing!– and rebuked the storm)

We are indeed perishing. Not as a church or institution- not important. We’re perishing as a beloved community. #gc2012 #twittersermon

We are perishing because we do not adequately love each other, trust each other. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Huddled in our broken, leaky boat, we are terrified. Jesus sleeps on. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

And we think Jesus is sleeping because he doesn’t care. So we yell louder in our fear and distrust. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Hey Jesus! Don’t you see that we are dying over here? Don’t you care? Save us! #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

(I’m having a Pentecost moment. There’s another sermon in this room, and I hear it too) #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012 (The preacher in the room was preaching a sermon that was sort of in conversation with what I was writing, sort of source material, and sort of separate)

Afraid, and seemingly alone, we forget that Jesus hasn’t abandoned us, he’s in the boat with us. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

He’s sleeping, not because he doesn’t care, but because he & he alone is not afraid. He is not perishing. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

When we shake him awake, begging him to save us, he utters a word not of power but of peace. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

He doesn’t tell us who is right. He doesn’t make a theological claim. He invites peace. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Beloved, we are not at peace. We are in the midst of the tempest. A storm of our own making. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Our distrust, discord, and disconnect roil around us. Our brokenness threatens to pull us under. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

(can’t stop now) #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Christ, save us! Do you not see that we are perishing? #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Peace. Peace be with you. Peace be among you. peace be between you. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

May we love & trust God as much as Jesus does, at peace in the leaky, storm tossed boat. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

(I received and replied to another tweet: “@KVG_DC: @pastorbecca Thank you for captioning that wonderful sermon…” lol not captioning brother. #twittersermon is my own words.)

May we love & trust one another as much as we love and trust Christ. Leaping, clapping, sighing, weeping. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

Amen. #twittersermon #GC12love #gc2012

I feel lighter & better. I have never done anything like that. I’d say I don’t know how it happened, but… #twittersermon #spirit #gc2012

 

Diary of a Delegate: Day Three – Tears

Thursday in twitter topics, from @andrewconard

Yes, I know. Technically, I could subtitle any day at General Conference, or anywhere else for that matter, with that word.

I’m a crier. It’s me.

But Thursday there were more tears than usual.

I’ll give a shout out to Adam Hamilton, who after a lot of critique of the proposal he helped present, agreed to meet with the young people who had raised concerns. That was very gracious of him.

We had a long day in our committees and subcommittees, where, it must be noted, there is spotty wifi and very little cell reception (and so I’m not able to blog, facebook, or tweet).

As I had planned, I self-selected onto the subcommittee on reproductive rights, because that subcommittee was in need of progressive voices– and it still is. We’re pretty outnumbered, including by some who believe abortion is wrong in all– and I mean all– cases, including rape and incest, birth defects incompatible with the life of the child, and threats to the life of the mother.

But what our chairperson did was really wonderful. Before we discussed any legislation, she invited us to share where our hearts were on the subject of abortion. What followed was a truly holy conversation, with deep sharing of personal stories. There were tears and  hugs and similar experiences shared from around the world and across the theological perspective. I shared my story, and wept.

Mark Miller and many other delegates stood to express their pain and brokenness. (picture found on facebook, HT Joey Lopez- I don't know original source)

In the evening, as our legislation was wrapping up, Mark Miller, a delegate to this General Conference and often our music leader in times past, stood for a point of personal privilege. Mark was joined at the microphone by a number of other delegates who were willing to identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender voting members of the conference. As they stood together at the mic, Mark shared that many people (certainly not all– some had experienced wonderful conversation) felt bullied, abused, or wounded by the attempt at holy conversation the day before around human sexuality. Mark invited other delegates on the floor and visitors around the room to stand in solidarity as well. Although the presiding Bishop ruled the act of courage and solidarity out of order, he agreed to say a prayer on behalf of a wounded and broken church community.

Witness outside the plenary session.

As the room emptied later, delegates, volunteers, and guests lines the hallway, holding hands and standing in silence, or crying quietly, or later singing. So much pain. We gathered in the Coalition Tabernacle and debriefed and hugged and cried some more.

I shed one more round of tears last night and into the early hours of this morning. After all was said and done, I spent several hours sharing refreshments and conversation with some friends from my conference (and former conference). We laughed until we couldn’t breathe and I wept tears of mirth.

Seeking Easter Inspiration

Here is my deep confession:

It is hard for me to get inspired to lead worship on Easter.

I face this every year. In part, I think the expectations I place on myself are too high– I want to do something “cool” or “relevant” to get the attention of the visitors; I want to lift up a different part of the story to appeal to the questioning; I want to go deeper to inspire the regulars; I am confronted with the centerpiece and cornerstone of our faith.

On the other hand, I just don’t know what to say. Retelling the story doesn’t seem to be enough (it is for me on Thursday and Friday– the messages of servanthood, connection, commitment to ones principles, courage, loss, violence– these speak for themselves). I personally don’t get enough out of Easter if it’s just a line-by-line reading of the Gospels. Does this make me a bad pastor? A bad believer? I hope not. But it’s not enough for me to read about the empty tomb. So what? What do we do now? How does this change us?

This may be the best thing I have read all season, all year, in all of my ministry when it comes to Easter inspiration. I won’t just preach that, but at least I have a place to start. Thank you, Carl Gregg. That was what I needed to hear, to find what I need to say.

Diary of a Delegate: There’s prayer in my politics!

General Conference logo, United Methodist Communications

As part of our preparation for General and Jurisdictional Conferences, the New England group of delegates and reserve delegates have been meeting together regularly and conversing over email. I think it’s impossible– or at least I hope it is– for a group of thirty United Methodist lay and clergy people to meet regularly and not become a covenant group of sorts.

It happened officially this week.

In the midst of discussions about the legislation coming before General Conference, and the struggles for the future of the denomination, and discernment around who might be called to serve as Bishop, one delegate emailed the group, expressing a felt need for deep prayer in preparation for General Conference. Quickly, the rest of the delegation agreed, and beginning today, we committed to pause for prayer each day at or around noon EST. We will pray for one another, for our denomination, for God’s church and God’s world, and that we strive after God’s direction for the life of the church and the ministry we do in Christ’s name.

I set an alarm on my phone for noon each day. I invite you to do the same. Some days, every day. At noon. At midnight. Whenever. Will you pause and pray with us, however you are moved?

In conjunction with this prayerful work, we have also been in discernment with people whose names were lifted up as possible candidates for Bishop. In the Methodist system, Bishops are elected at the Jurisdictional Conference (which is in July), from a pool of candidates who have been nominated and endorsed by their annual conference and/or by a caucus group. While it is forbidden to campaign for candidates, and it is the responsibility of the annual conference as the whole, not the delegation, to put forth nominees, there is no place for those who may be feeling called to process or practice their interviewing or pull together their thoughts. Our delegation solicited names of potential nominees from members of the delegation and from the annual conference as a whole. From that pool, people whose names were lifted up by three or more individuals were invited to consider a calling to be nominated for Bishop, and to respond in writing and in an interview to some questions with our delegation.

We heard back from six people, and sat with them in interviews and read their written answers to questions.

What a profound privilege.

Now, the election of Bishops, because it is an election, is at least partially political in nature. Although campaigns are forbidden, many conferences already “know” who their nominees will be, and are floating those names and introducing those individuals to make connections. There is much that can be sham and show and networking and politicizing in this process.

But what I have learned is that there is much that can be prayerful as well.

All six people we talked with are persons of deep faith, profoundly committed to God in Christ, and to the witness of justice, love, and transformation that God works in our lives. All six believe in the future of the UMC as a denomination, so long as we keep Jesus before us, and so long as we engage our differences rather than let them pull us apart. All six spoke of a need to break out of the boxes and molds of expectations, and do a new thing in the church and in the world. Some of them embody just that sort of change and vision. Reading their reflections on lay leadership and clergy development, on the role of a Bishop and on the Book of Discipline, and their honest reflection on strengths and areas of growth in themselves and in the church, reveals much to be grateful for, much to have hope about.

The church is alive! God is still calling women and men to lead us in an ever-changing world.

I’m in prayer for them and for us, for you and for me, for the planet we call home, for the church that has nurtured many of us, and for all that will be as God leads us into new life again and again.

Light a candle for healing

Today, World AIDS Day, I remember a friend, Steve, who lost his life to AIDS, and many more who I won’t name, but carry in my heart.

We seem to hear less and less about AIDS each year, and I don’t know if that’s because we are doing a better job preventing and treating HIV and AIDS or if we have become desensitized to this particular disease. I hope it is the former, but fear it might be the latter, or perhaps a combination of the two.

I also hear AIDS more often associated with African countries than with the American population, and am deeply troubled by the implications. Was AIDS a bigger deal when it was more likely to impact white Americans than when it ravages whole communities half a world away (with a darker skin color)– just as it was easier to ignore before it became “mainstream” and it was the “gay cancer”? Is it easier to talk about aid for Africa when we mean food and mosquito nets because AZT costs more and condoms are more controversial?

My prayer is for the vision and wisdom to eradicate AIDS, of course.

My prayer is for those who have been lost to AIDS, and all those who mourn them.

My prayer is for people living with (living with! living with!), not dying from disease, for courage and hope in the face of deep darkness.

And my prayer is for our world where all diseases must be seen as global diseases because our human family is so tightly interwoven, where we cannot and must not ignore the cries of sisters and brothers no matter how far away they are and no matter how difficult, embarrassing, or politically challenging it might be to hear answer their call for help.

Light of the World, heal us.

 

(you can contribute to the United Methodist Commission on Relief Global AIDS fund online. 100% of your donation goes to the specified need).

Martial Art and Spiritual Discipline

In honor of my belt test this evening, I’m reflecting on why I enjoy my new-found sport of Taekwondo. I started over the summer because, after months of watching Arianna do it, I thought it looked like fun. I’ve found it’s so much more than that.

I took dance lessons as a child and young woman, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was a great source of confidence and poise, and great exercise. At the same time, the world of dancing can be difficult for a young woman who is not exactly built like a ballerina. I loved it, but hated the competition aspects of it, and often felt entirely too tall, heavy, and curvy for the rest of the group.

Taekwondo is wonderfully inclusive of all body types and skill levels, and although there are opportunities for competition, one’s greatest competition is with oneself. Like dance, it is great exercise and promotes poise and confidence. Like dance it celebrates both the beauty and power of the human body.

But I’ve found a greater gift from Taekwondo. I’ve found spiritual disciplines.

In the context of Taekwondo, I also practice patience (never easy for me!), humility (have you met me? then you’ll know this is a challenge for me!), physical and mental discipline, times of silence and meditation, and a respect for my instructors and those with higher ranks that almost borders on– dare I say it– obedience. If you told me a year ago that I would bow to a person whenever I entered the gym, I’d have laughed at you. Now I happily do so out of respect for Masters Choi and Winters’ expertise and willingness to teach.

These concepts– patience, humility, discipline, meditation, and obedience– are also central to my faith as important spiritual practices, and yet, they have never come easily for me (not that they should). In fact, I’ve never felt that I made good progress in any of them, despite knowing their importance for me as both Christian and pastor. But in the practice of the Martial Art form, I have also found a spiritual element that strengthens my own personal spiritual journey and makes me, I believe, a better spiritual leader and spiritual person overall.

On Veteran’s Day

Police on the scene of the shooting, image from wcax.com

Yesterday afternoon, a 35-year-old veteran died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in the middle of the Occupy Burlington encampment in City Park (read/view the stories from the local news and the AP).

While many have been quick to rush to judgements and political statements about the occupy movement, my colleague Mark reminds us not to demonize and to instead journey together, and lifts some powerful statistics and questions to ponder.

I’ve never been accused of being overly patriotic or wrapping myself in the flag. My position as a pacifist has in fact drawn criticism that I “don’t support troops” or am unpatriotic. The fact of the matter is that I don’t support wars, in part (albeit a small part in comparison to my overall objection to war because the purpose is to kill people) because we don’t take care of the people who fight in them. Both of my grandfathers were World War II veterans, and neither of them was known to talk about his experience. And that was a different war, in a different world in many ways. Veterans of Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, and Iraq and Afghanistan (the latter being where this individual had been deployed) find a far different reception to their service both at home and wherever they are stationed: crumbling hospitals and underfunded services, insufficient de-programming time and follow up mental health care, physical and mental illnesses that are often untreated or undiagnosed. Our veterans make up a significant portion of the population without housing (the shooting victim also being part of that demographic), and there is a very high rate of suicide among veterans.

Today, we remember and honor our veterans. I know because I sent my daughter (center, waving) to school in red, white, and blue so she could be in the town’s parade. But I feel that we have utterly failed to honor or remember our veterans, when so many are without housing, without mental health services, without support and care in the community, without jobs, without security, when one appears to have taken his own life in the midst of a conversation about the haves and the have nots, and he is only one of thousands of veterans who will fall victim to–let alone contemplate– this tragedy this year.

And so, prayers. Prayers of brokenness and confession and feeling we have failed one another. Prayers for healing and hope and justice. Prayers for the victim and his family and his community. Prayers for our veterans– the ones we celebrate and the ones we fail. Prayers for us all, with repentance, with thanksgiving, with hope.

Prayers.

(edited to add: news coverage after this posting have raised questions as to the victim’s military status and whether or not he was deployed in combat. Rather than changing my initial words, I just add here that the man may not have been a military veteran. I think the reflection about how we fail our veterans is valid, whether or not this particular man serves as an example.)

Sermon-ish Thing: The True Act of God

Brandon, VT: photo by Jim Hart, submitted to Burlington Free Press facebook page

As Hurricane Irene stomped her way up through Vermont on Sunday, people in Montpelier were urged to stay in their homes if possible, and my lay leader, guest preacher, and I made the decision to cancel the worship service at Trinity UMC. I did, however, record a video message and upload it to the church’s facebook page as a sort of experiment, and so I include that for your viewing pleasure.

Pastor’s video message, August 28, 2011: “The True Act of God.”

The church building remained dry, which is a small miracle in itself. Prayers continue for a few members of my congregation who have lost homes and businesses in this disaster, and deep sympathy to the families in our state who have lost loved ones or are still searching for the missing.

May Christ who stilled the storm give us peace.